obessive compulsive or just an idealist dreamer?

Let me first say that I am not an obsessive compulsive person. I'm a type B personality. I'd rather go with the flow of things that get all hyped up about stuff. I'm late everywhere go... not that that is a good thing but I always have been. I'm not not an uptight person. But I tend to live in the future, or in the clouds, as my parents always say. My entire life I have drempt of what my wedding would be like or what kind of house I'd live in, what kind of man I'd marry.

The other night, Mr. Goatee said something about me being obsessed with how my life, how primarily those details... are going to play out. He said that I need to accept that life isn't going to be perfect, that my dream wedding isn't going to happen exactly how I want it (especially with my mom paying for practically nada). I guess it's true.. I know that every little detail that I have played over and over in my head isn't going to happen the way I hope it will. Heck, my whole life is proof of that. But I don't know how I'm going to handle it when the time comes and I won't be able to dream about those things because I'll have already lived them.

Which comes down to my questioning over whether I'm obsessive compulsive about my future. I was at a bridal fair on Sunday with my friend Sarah, who is getting married in August. Besides the constant questioning "are you the bride?" by vendors (which, what do you say to that? Um, well, no, not really. I live with the man I want to marry and I know it's going to happen, it's in the books, we've got the caterer, but no. I'm not the bride...) I felt a little uncomfortable. Was I uncomfortable that I was in an antebellum crammed full of brides and mother of brides who were fervently snatching up samples of wedding cake and business cards? Or maybe it was that I felt that I didn't have any right to be there... despite the fact that I've been a bridesmaid 6 times and many of my friends have been married for years, I still feel like I'm too young or immature to actually get married. It's like I've dreamed about it so long it should still be off in the distance, something that is unobtainable, something I can always have to dream about. What will I dream of once that is over? I'm not just the idealist dreamer, I'm the impossible one.

Which leads me to the "dream house".. much like how I used to draw miniature brides and bridesmaids dresses on the back of the offering envelope at church as a child, I also used to draw houseplans of my "dream house" during high school classes when I got bored. And, now that a wedding is somewhat in sight, so is my house. Ok, so I know that my two-story white saltbox style home identical to the one in "Father of the Bride" is highly unobtainable right now.

But this weekend Mr. Goatee and I went house shopping. His parents have offered to help us buy a home. A real house. No more nomadic moving from apartment to rental houses. A place of our own. Although I'd love to go back to my cherished historic district downtown, Mr. Goatee is more of a "new house" kind of guy while I'm definitely an "antiques" kind of girl. I want sidewalks and houses that are pre-cold war. I hate cookie cutter housing that predominates the urban sprawl. So we decided to look and try to compromise. The first house we saw was nice, especially for the price, but it desperately needed some work and the neighborhood was on the side of decrepid. The second house, which we looked at this morning, was love at first site. It's not perfect, but I could imagine our things.. us.. filling up this house. I could imagine all the little things I would do to it to improve it, to put my mark on it. It's much more expensive than what we should probably buy, but it's oh so perfect and I know we wouldn't have problems with the resale. I can just imagine a little white picket fence...

And so, now, we wait for word from his parents. We've told them about it, sent pictures, and now I just have to wait and pretend that I'm not aching to sign a contract. I need not be obsessive about this. But I guess when it comes this stage in my life, my dreams are partially becoming reality, and I think it's ok if I'm a little obsessed with that.