jealousy over Natalie Portman

I've never thought myself to be a jealous person. At least, I don't want to be. But then again, I've never really been in a relationship where there was an ex-girlfriend to be jealous of. Especially not one that was a size 0 and looked like Natalie Portman.

I was the first serious girlfriend for my ex, Mr. 6 years (We dated from high school through grad school, so it was understandable) so I never had any kind of competition of wondering what the girl before me had looked like or acted like or what she did that was different or better than me. With the pilot, there was an ex, but he and I never got serious enough to actually have that be an issue. There was that time that I slipped into psycho girlfriend-snooping mode, (If any of you have seen the movie Little Black Book, you know what I mean. I never went as far as that, but still. I felt somewhat guilty.) But I swear, I never did it again. It's just, the pilot left me at his house one day while he went to the base and I ended up looking through a bunch of photo albums that included family photos and even a letter from his mom. I wanted to be closer to the pilot, and so it was an insight that I would never get from him otherwise. Still, doesn't exactly relieve me of my guilt. There was one album that had his and his ex-girlfriend's names painted on it and was full of pics of him and this short, very toned athletic blonde who looked like she could be a trainer for a living. I remember there was this one photo of her holding a fish with her BARE hands. Hmm. I couldn't touch a worm to even fish if I tried, let alone hold a live fish.

And now, back to Natalie Portman's look-alike. I first saw her in Georgia when I went home with Mr. Goatee for his homecoming. I didn't know who she was at the time, only that she kept starring at me at a bar when we were watching Mr. Goatee and his band play. I thought maybe I knew her from somewhere, but knew it was impossible. After the gig, I went out to Mr. Goatee's car to load up his guitar, and came back in to see the girl talking to him at the bar. Normally, I'd be ok with this. As I said before, I don't want to be a psycho jealous girlfriend. But she was so thin and NOT unattractive. It made me a little jealous and a lot self concious about myself. I found out later over dinner in Savannah that she was Mr. Goatee's last relationship and that it didn't work out because of the whole distance thing. I didn't ask anymore questions, but it did make me feel threatened. Like I needed to lose weight or dye my hair darker or do something to be deserving of him.

I try to remind myself, I am deserving of him. This Natalie Portman girl is still in college, is a full three years younger than me. Mr. Goatee told me she's inmmature. I shouldn't even be worrying about it. He wants to be with me... marry me... not her. But still.

I was on the couch watching TV with him last night while he was on his laptop, and an instant message popped up from her. Apparently they hadn't talked in a while and she asked if he was mad at her over the way things ended with them, he said he wasn't. She asked how things were going with me (she actually even knew my name) and he told her great, that he was happy. She said something about how at least I seemed like I was more around his age (I wanted to shout back to her, "I'm still three years younger than him!".. which also made me wonder, do I look 27??)

He also said something that worried me.. something about how he wished things had ended differently between them. I asked him what that meant, if he wished he was still with miss portman. He said that he didn't, he just was trying to appease her and that any other response would have seemed angry or hurtful towards her. I didn't ask any more questions. Just trying to repeat to myself. He is with me. Not with her.

I think I need a self esteem boost.