A year in review

This has probably been the most changingyear of my life so far, and yet no one major "life event" seems to have taken place. It's only now that I look back and see that the person I am now is very different from the person I was a year ago. I'm more confident, both in my personal life and in my job. I'm a little heavier, having gained back 12 of the total 25 pounds I had dropped the year before. I'm also a lot happier and more sure of where my life is going, although it's been a winding path of uneasiness for the first half of 2005. Here is the rundown. Like I said, nothing of importance, but everything of consequence:

Lydia's 2005
January: Moved into "my" first house. I didn't plan on having a roomate, but quickly found out that a 3-bedroom, 100 year old house is kind of creepy by yourself. I also had to deal with a carbon monoxide leak, two toilets that didn't work, and a lack of heat for the first two weeks. During this month, I cried over the loss of my "college/grad school years" as I unpacked my boxes and questioned over whether breaking up with Mr. 6 years was really what I should have done. Things officially ended with The Pilot, although he never really left the picture as a friend. And, after using his truck to move my stuff, I never called back The Hunter, who scared me away after telling a friend of mine that "I was the perfect Southern woman because I knew that a man's job was more important and that a woman's place was in the home." Ha. yeah. He really did not know me at all. The only way I was going to end up barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen was if I was artificially inseminated against my will and chained to a stove without shoes.

February: Most of the month was a blur. A guy walked into town on his cross-country trek, a'la Forrest Gump, and although he only meant to stay a couple days, ended up in Tuscaloosa most of the month, and crossed the Alabama-Mississippi border three times. Feburary ended with a camping trip (the last time I will ever sleep outside in the winter) and a weekend at home where he met my mom. Regardless to say, now I question my judgement with the whole thing. We both fell hard and fast and ended just as bitterly. Now, it's become a chapter that my friends like to make fun of me about... "The Walker."

March - May: I've never drank so much alcohol in my life. The routine was almost the same every night... after work, I'd run home, eat dinner, usually a lean cuisine tv dinner or something I picked up on the way home. Then, around 9, I'd meet Lance, Chris, or whoever was going out at Innisfree. We'd eventually make it around the corner to Catch. Then, sometime around midnight, I'd stumble home, getting online, where I'd chat until 2 or 3 a.m., then get up and go to work the next morning. Hence, why, during these months I was largely broke and gained back the weight I had lost. The highlight of these nights out was the night of Ash Wednesday when I got so drunk I woke up sprawled eagle on my bed, fully clothed, stillettos and all, with the cross of ashes still on my forehead. I quickly sobered up when I realized that I had slept through a phone interview with the Norwegian minister of Petroleum that morning. BIG mistake. The walker episode also continued these months, although somewhat intermittently. (Hey, it's hard to be anything but when your boyfriend is walking across the country for charity.) In March we went to Memphis, and met his friends. In April I drove 26 hours in one weekend to Kansas City to see the walker. It would be the last time I saw him. I was planning on visiting him in Yellowstone in May, but all correspondence stopped. I never heard from the walker again. I was heartbroken at the time. Now, I just look back on it as a very strange relationship.

June: The first Sunday in June, I was walking my dog Lilly on the quad when she saw a squirrel and just about dragged me into Denny Chimes. That was when I saw Mr. Goatee, wearing a white tee-shirt and jeans, and a navy baseball cap. I thought to myself, hmm. Not bad. Not that I was good, wearing running shorts and my oversize sunglasses, my face badly peeling from the Memorial Day trip to the beach. But we talked, and laughed, and went to dinner. It wasn't like we hadn't talked before... we had actually talked online... although that is a little known fact. But it was the first time we met.

July: I was convinced that I did not want a relationship, and kept telling Mr. Goatee that, although we acted anything but. I wanted to be single, to relish in that because I thought that was what I needed after a year of tumultuous relationships and breakups. But, he was different. He was older, more mature, and patient. On my 24th birthday, I got drunk... he carried me home... and I threw up on him. When he called me back the next day, I figured he was a keeper.

August: My bestfriend got married, and I was a bridesmaid for the 6th time in 5 years. It was bittersweet. And I finally became exclusive with Mr. Goatee. Katrina also hit, which left me without power for a week and made a huge humanistic mark on Tuscaloosa with thousands of evacuees moving into town.

September- November: Work kept me busy, with Hurricane Katrina aftermath. But, after meeting the Strickland family, who had evacuated from New Orleans, I finally felt I had a purpose in life. I did five stories on them and their adjustment to life in Alabama after Katrina. I wanted to help them, but didn't have the money to do so. But, the response poured out from the community after every article. I felt like it was some sort of sign from God and I was so thankful. I also went to Ga. with Mr. Goatee to meet his family and his hometown friends, and saw a different side of him... that of the "rockstar" that he used to be. Quite different from the suit and tie man I see every day.

December: Everything this month has been a whirlwind. Holidays split. Tomorrow we're flying to CA to visit the family, and so that Goatee can meet Dad. I'll catch up on how that goes next year!

splitting holidays

It was nice to be home for Christmas. What wasn't so nice was how quickly it passed by.

I feel like I just left the apartment last week, and all of the sudden I'm back here and back at work. It's a whirlwind. I spent two days with Mr. Goatee in Athens, Ga., with his family, then headed home to be with my family, then he joined me on Monday, and we came back to Tuscaloosa this afternoon, with 30 minutes to spare before work.

And, less than 48 hours from now Mr. Goatee and I will be once again be visiting family... flying out to California to visit Dad. He's nervous, although he doesn't have any reason to be. Well, except for asking Dad's permission, but he can handle that.

I just wish I could make the whole two weeks go by a little slower. Before you know it it'll be Valentines.

Something was missing...

I woke up this morning and something was missing.

Or rather, I guess I was missing something. There was no ball of brown fur at the end of my bed to crawl up along side of me, stretch her legs and then bury her nose under my arm. No floppy ears to brush against my face as my cocker spaniel Lilly would lick my nose as if to say "Good Morning!!!!". When I got up to take a shower, there was no one following me. Her leash hung on the hook on the wall, but she was not there to sniff it, not there to go outside.

For the past three years, I have been a parent, but not a parent of a child, but an adopted parent of a dog. Ok, so it sounds a little nuts. But to me, my dog is a huge part of my life, something I'm not willing to give up.

I feel like I've give up a lot lately, not really anyone's fault, but a natural part of growing up.. change. Which, btw, I hate change and I've had way too much of it lately. I've given up living as a "single" adult woman out on her own for the first time... after 12 months of it. I've given up my historic neighborhood, something else that I am extremely passionate about, and I've said goodbye to my 100-year old house with its white picket fence and porch swing. I always wanted those things, and now I've given them up in hopes of a happy future with a guy I love. As long as it was Mr. Goatee, Lilly and me, everything would be ok.

But on Tuesday, Mr. Goatee called me, and said that the apartment manager gave us 48 hours to get Lilly out of the apartment or else get fined $500 and get evicted. At first I remained calm, and spent two hours driving around Tuscaloosa trying to find another home, an actual house, that the three of us can call home for the next 12 months. But, then it became apparent that Mr. Goatee didn't want to move. This messes up all of the plans we had made.. to get a house in August, when so many more options are out there.

I had just unpacked the last box the day before we got the news. I didn't want to move either, especially after spending the last two stressful weeks of hell with moving, spraining my ankle, putting stuff in storage and having to clean the old house. But losing Lilly wasn't an option for me. One day without her and I already feel like a huge chunk the happiness of my everyday life is missing.

So, I sent her to spend some time with my mom in Florence until the weekend after New Year's. A friend of mine from work said she would check with her landlord and see if she could take lilly during the day. I think it would be possible to sneak her back to the apartment complex at night, as long as she wasn't there during the apartment manager's office hours. Otherwise, I am going to move somewhere so that Lilly can be with me, even though I hate the thought of moving AGAIN.

But waking up this morning without that big ball of brown fur and floppy ears was just a confirmation that Lilly is more than just a dog to me. And living without her, even temporarily, is just not an option.

the war in Iraq hits home

I don't really think about what a newspaper does. For me, it's just a thing that I happen to work for, a piece of paper that prints my articles so that I can get a paycheck every two weeks. It's also something that helps me quench my thirst for writing and makes me feel like I'm doing some kind of "good" in the world.

I forget that people actually find out news from it. Today, I was that person.

I was browsing through the West Alabama section of today's Tuscaloosa News when I saw that my features editor wrote another article featuring a soldier who had died in Iraq... a series of articles that have been running for several weeks. I glanced at the picture.. then stared harder. It was Andrew Chris, a guy I went to high school with... he was a senior when I was a freshman. I remember that he was a quiet guy, who hung out with a variety of kids.. i remember him quietly painting in the corner of my art classroom.

Apparently he died in Iraq in June 2003. How strange.. that two years after his death I'm finding out about it from "my" own newspaper. It's so strange. I've been against the war in Iraq since the beginning. I remember writing editorials about it in my college newspaper before it started. But it has still been something distant for me. Something that was important on the grand scheme of things, but something that was necessarily going to affect me or my hometown. I guess it did and I just didn't know it.

Today, two things happened: I was reminded that the purpose of a newspaper isn't so that the reporters can make a living, but to spread news and to serve a purpose to its readers. And, the war in Iraq hit home. It took a couple years, but now someone I knew, even remotely, has died because of it.

Does that make me more sympathetic towards the war? No. I support the men and women in the military, because they are serving their country. But it doesn't make what our country is doing any better or any more right.

Link to article about Andrew Chris: http://www.tuscaloosanews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051212/NEWS/512120328/1007

I'm a hypocrite with a bum leg

Perhaps it was God's wrath for my decision to move in with my boyfriend before marriage. Perhaps it was just just my natural lack of coordination. But as I lay flat on my back in the street in front of my house Sunday, crying out in pain because I had badly twisted my ankle, I thought, oh shit. It's a sign.

I was supposed to move in with a girl out in Cottondale, about 15 minutes away by interstate, until August, when Mr. Goatee and I had planned on getting a house together. But it was COTTONDALE, which to me seemed so far away. And I didn't really know her and wasn't sure our dogs would get along, and just not feeling good about it all together. So, my landlord called me late Saturday afternoon and asked if there was any way I might be able to get out of the house immediately, because he had found some tenants to rent the house, but they needed to move in quickly. At first I said no, but then I agreed. I need the $700 from December's rent.

Then, Mr. Goatee and I started talking about finances and things we'd like to afford in the future. And we won't be able to, unless.... we moved in together. At first it wasn't an option. I always looked down on people who lived together before marriage. I always imagined myself moving into a house with a guy soon after we got married... not before we even got engaged. I guess a part of me still feels like I'm doing things backwards or I'm a social outcast, at least in this little southern town. But, after thinking about it more and talking it over with both our parents, Mr. Goatee and I decided to take the plunge.

I guess I haven't really thought about what a major step this is yet. His apartment still feels likehis apartment, except for the fact that his extra bedroom is filled with my bed and my stuff and the place is a little more decorated now. Not that it was badly decorated before, because it wasn't. Thank goodness his mom helped pick out his furnishings and they are all in the same color scheme as my own.

But anyways, while he and I were moving my things Sunday, I missed the curb and twisted my ankle, fell to the ground in shear agony. A friend of mine joked that it was God getting back at our decision. Who knows. I went to the ER, got it x-rayed, and while I was in there for 3 hours, several friends of mine from grad school and work came out in droves to get all my furniture moved and into storage. I couldn't have done it without them and it just amazes me that they did so much. I'm so grateful to them.

And now, I'm hobbling around our living room (geeze, that sounds so wierd) trying to unpack boxes and finish the decorating before my mom gets here to help me clean. Yes, I still feel a little wierd about everything, but I'm sure that I'll get over that with time. Ok, so I'm a hypocrite with a bum leg. So deal with it. (I am.)

Back on the bandwagon

I'm back on the bandwagon.. the weight watcher's bandwagon, that is. This is my third try. First time was in 2002, when I went for about four months and didn't lose any weight. I was also at my highest weight ever, which is only abotu 10 pounds more than I weigh now. Hence, why I am trying to lose weight again.

My second try was the most successful. I joined in May 2004, was a faithful member for six months and lost 25 pounds. I have never felt so great in my entire life, and people started to notice. I loved being a size 8, and I want to get back to that. But, by October 2004, my life was a little hectic. I was spending my weekends either in Columbus with the pilot or at Alabama football games, and stopped going to the weekly saturday meeting. It took a year, but I've gained back 20.5 pounds of the weight I lost. I REFUSE to let myself get back to my original weight.

And so, I walked into a weight watcher's meeting again today. I didn't want to go back to the same facility as before because I was afraid they would recognize me and I'd feel a little like a failure. Plus, 4 or 5 of Mr. Goatee's co-workers all go to a WW meeting on campus, so I figured I'd have more moral support if I went with people I actually know. So I went. And spend $123 on fees to ensure that I will have now paid for 10 weeks of meetings. I have no excuse not to go to the meetings, because I've already paid for them. Thus, from now until at least sometime in February, Thursday postings will be my weight watcher posting. My goal is to get to 150, since 147 is the lowest WW will allow me to get because i'm 6'0. So, the healthiest way to lose weight is to lose 2 lb. a week. If I do that for 10 weeks, that 20 pounds, putting me at my lowest adult weight... the weight I was when I felt good, felt healthy, and felt thin. We'll see how it goes! I'll keep you updated!

jealousy over Natalie Portman

I've never thought myself to be a jealous person. At least, I don't want to be. But then again, I've never really been in a relationship where there was an ex-girlfriend to be jealous of. Especially not one that was a size 0 and looked like Natalie Portman.

I was the first serious girlfriend for my ex, Mr. 6 years (We dated from high school through grad school, so it was understandable) so I never had any kind of competition of wondering what the girl before me had looked like or acted like or what she did that was different or better than me. With the pilot, there was an ex, but he and I never got serious enough to actually have that be an issue. There was that time that I slipped into psycho girlfriend-snooping mode, (If any of you have seen the movie Little Black Book, you know what I mean. I never went as far as that, but still. I felt somewhat guilty.) But I swear, I never did it again. It's just, the pilot left me at his house one day while he went to the base and I ended up looking through a bunch of photo albums that included family photos and even a letter from his mom. I wanted to be closer to the pilot, and so it was an insight that I would never get from him otherwise. Still, doesn't exactly relieve me of my guilt. There was one album that had his and his ex-girlfriend's names painted on it and was full of pics of him and this short, very toned athletic blonde who looked like she could be a trainer for a living. I remember there was this one photo of her holding a fish with her BARE hands. Hmm. I couldn't touch a worm to even fish if I tried, let alone hold a live fish.

And now, back to Natalie Portman's look-alike. I first saw her in Georgia when I went home with Mr. Goatee for his homecoming. I didn't know who she was at the time, only that she kept starring at me at a bar when we were watching Mr. Goatee and his band play. I thought maybe I knew her from somewhere, but knew it was impossible. After the gig, I went out to Mr. Goatee's car to load up his guitar, and came back in to see the girl talking to him at the bar. Normally, I'd be ok with this. As I said before, I don't want to be a psycho jealous girlfriend. But she was so thin and NOT unattractive. It made me a little jealous and a lot self concious about myself. I found out later over dinner in Savannah that she was Mr. Goatee's last relationship and that it didn't work out because of the whole distance thing. I didn't ask anymore questions, but it did make me feel threatened. Like I needed to lose weight or dye my hair darker or do something to be deserving of him.

I try to remind myself, I am deserving of him. This Natalie Portman girl is still in college, is a full three years younger than me. Mr. Goatee told me she's inmmature. I shouldn't even be worrying about it. He wants to be with me... marry me... not her. But still.

I was on the couch watching TV with him last night while he was on his laptop, and an instant message popped up from her. Apparently they hadn't talked in a while and she asked if he was mad at her over the way things ended with them, he said he wasn't. She asked how things were going with me (she actually even knew my name) and he told her great, that he was happy. She said something about how at least I seemed like I was more around his age (I wanted to shout back to her, "I'm still three years younger than him!".. which also made me wonder, do I look 27??)

He also said something that worried me.. something about how he wished things had ended differently between them. I asked him what that meant, if he wished he was still with miss portman. He said that he didn't, he just was trying to appease her and that any other response would have seemed angry or hurtful towards her. I didn't ask any more questions. Just trying to repeat to myself. He is with me. Not with her.

I think I need a self esteem boost.